Johann hired me as his Executive Coach because he felt that something was “off” in his work. A confident, accomplished senior manager in his mid-forties, he was generally happy and content with his life. As he said, “I’ve got nothing to complain about.” However, the nagging feeling had not gone away, and perplexed, he wanted to resolve this.
Maryam, on the other hand, was feeling stuck, frustrated and upset with herself. Her motivation was at an all time low. She told me that she was not taking care of herself like she used to and was not as excited at socialising with her friends. In her early thirties, she was doing well in her career and was proud of herself for “making it” in what was considered a male dominated industry. She wanted help to have more joy in her life again and at my observation, “get her mojo back”.
Both coaching clients would be considered successful by western measures. Seemingly living their best lives with excellent health, personal and professional relationships and financial stability. Yet they felt that something was missing or not quite right and they did not know what it was.
My intuition alerted me that what would help both clients would be to examine what was happening within, rather than something external like working towards achieving specific goals. The outcomes would be around having a better understanding of themselves. Once they had this awareness and foundation, they would be able to build on this and think about whether they wanted to change anything. Johann and Maryam were two separate coaching clients presenting different situations, who I coached at different times. Yet there was something connecting them.
One of the exercises that I suggested was to explore their Values. Values are what are important to you, your foundational beliefs, personal ideals and what you live by or stand for. They are the principles that guide your choices, your behaviour and how you treat others and yourself. You can think of values as your absolutes for everything or think of them in different areas such as:
Core Values – these are non-negotiable beliefs that you will refuse to compromise on, even when facing difficult choices.
Personal Values – these are what you use to determine a meaningful life.
Organisational Values – a brand will reflect theirs in what they do, its professional culture and how employees are treated.
I regularly give my Brighter Thinking coaching clients a range of activities to assist them in defining what their Values are. Afterall, no two brains are the same! Some clients prefer to have a list of Values and by process of elimination, end up with their six core values. Others enjoy reflecting on key experiences or what they admire in others to help them define what matters to them. The important aspect when discovering what your values are is to give the exercise some reflection time, listen to your intuition and focus what is important to you, not what you think should matter.
However, you decide to do it, defining what are your values is an illuminating and rewarding experience. Plus, from coaching a diverse range of clients all over the world, I can assure you that, it can often lead to subtle or big changes being made as a result of finally knowing what they are. Back to Johann and Maryam to explain why:
Johann found the list approach easy to complete and extremely insightful. Once he had his six core values, I encouraged him to think about where they were reflected in various areas of his life. Suddenly he realised that his value of honesty was missing from his work.
The company that he had been loyal to for over fifteen years, stated and promoted externally, that they were honest and transparent to their customers, shareholders and staff. However, Johann knew otherwise and this had been gnawing away at him. This is why he felt uncomfortable in himself: he was working for an organisation that said one thing and did another. This was not him. He now knew that he had to leave. This did not scare him: He felt relief.
As a result of thinking about what gives her joy (from highlights of the last two years) Maryam discovered that she valued freedom and adventure. Both of these were currently absent in many areas of her life. Her social life had become predictable and her work was routine. She did not feel these values from living in her flat share either. Maryam had the insight that to be living her values much more, she had to create more opportunities for freedom and adventure in her life.
Whilst she did not want to change everything and all at once, she did want to take responsibility for actively creating the feelings in her life. Maryam suggested new, exciting activities to do with her friends. Plus, she gave herself more free time at the weekends, so that everything was not timetabled or an appointment.
She refreshed her image with a radically different haircut and wore different colours and combinations of clothes. She was feeling more adventurous! Emboldened and empowered, she started to investigate how she could pivot to working for herself. She was energised by the prospect of having even more freedom and decided on how she could make this happen.
Johann and Maryam each found where their values conflicted with their current situation and with my challenge and support, took action to remove this cognitive dissonance. As a result, they became more energised, happier and fulfilled and attracted even more positive opportunities into their lives.
So, my challenge for you this month is to reflect on your values. If you feel that everything is great right now, it won’t hurt to determine your values, so that you can make decisions in the future even more easily.
If you have never taken the time to decide what they are, set aside a few hours, to consider what is important to you. If you have previously done an exercise to work out your values, revisit this, as some of them may have changed.
Are your values represented in every area of your life?
Which values, if any, are missing?
What needs to happen for you to live more of your values?
Contact me if you would like some non-judgemental help, suggestions of Values exercises and/or accountability.
Remember, you get what you focus on.